A Death Observed

As you know, on 13th April my mother-in-law experienced a cerebral event from which she was not expected to recover. She died 13 days later on 26th April just before 8.00pm. Because the end was coming, my wife and I were driving down to Devon, not knowing if she would die before we arrived at the hospital. As we approached Newton Abbot a phone call told us to go directly to Torbay Hospital. We arrived in time to be with her when she died.

I have led over 80 funeral services over the last six years but have never observed a death. On this occasion I felt I was privileged to be with my mother-in-law because of her special relationship with me. You see, I have always known her. When I was a baby she wheeled me out in my pram. From early childhood she had been my mother's best friend. As I grew up I called her Auntie Winnie. Our families used to visit each other and take tea together.

When she died it was as if I was observing the death of a great friend on my mother's behalf. Winifred was the sort of woman many aspire to be but never make it. Born the second daughter of two cotton weavers in Lancashire, she had a great sense of style. What one wore and how one behaved in public were incredibly important to her. Of her own generation within the family she was the last to die. My father-in-law died ten years earlier since when she really took on the role of matriarch within the family.

From that time onward she decided to travel. The holidays she always fancied taking were taken. The first, a visit to Majorca, was not a success. But each one afterwards certainly was. She visited Prague and enjoyed its beauty; she drank coffee in St Mark's Square, Venice; she visited battlefields in Italy where her late husband had fought; she visited Switzerland, Austria and Germany. Each time she came home she rang my wife and out spilled all the stories of her little adventures. As well as travelling she bought many clothes so that she was ready to go anywhere at any time.

Whenever she stepped outside the house she was dressed smartly and her make up was perfect. We used to say that if she went to the door to pay the milkman she would check her make up! Whenever she went out with us she paid for any meals and made sure that the food was of the desired quality. One her later holidays was with Pauline and I in Britanny in 2005. She loved the countryside, the people and the food. The favourite place to eat was the Auberge Du Pont near our gite. It was a seafood restaurant with great style. She fitted in perfectly.

Having arrived in time for her death I was slightly apprehensive. What we witnessed as we went into her room was not very pleasant. Her breathing was accompanied by a very loud sound which the doctor was able to subdue with a drug. We sat round her bed and watched and listened. Having had a massive stroke, she was not conscious and her eyes were half closed. We were quietly stalking with my sister-in-law by her bed when her breathing simply ceased. Her head slowly turned and she was looking directly at me with eyes wide open. Although she had died I was certain that there remained a light in her eyes. I smiled at her and said, "Just slip away, Win." After a couple of involuntary throat sounds there was nothing more.

I knew then that I was the last person she saw and felt privileged to be with her. Although I had hoped I would not be there at the end I was pleased that we had made it in time and she had not died alone but with her closest family present. What a woman and what a life!

That woman lying there had been everything to us. She had been the head of our family and despite all the usual difficulties she had never lost her poise. She had truly always been there for us, helping us whenever needed. Her love had always been available just for her family and she had always brought us through. On the card with her flowers Pauline wrote, "Bye Mum. Thanks for all your love." That love was always there - just for us.

All this reminds me how Jesus gives us his love. Time after time I have told grieving families that if you want to see Jesus at work in your life he comes to you in the guise of a friend who touches you on the arm and says, "I am thinking of you." Jesus is all round us in life and we do not have to reach far to feel his hand grasping ours. When times are difficult he will send someone to us who will cheer us greatly and get us through. In my life he gave me Auntie Winnie and many more people besides. The most precious gift is my wife. She is my best friend and has helped me through many a difficult time.

My belief is that we are placed in this world, equipped as it is with people and resources which can get us through life. The fact that there are inexplicable natural disasters which claim many lives is just one mystery for us to cope with. Much of life is purely random. We simply have to deal with whatever comes our way. Facing it all is made possible when you have a close relationship with Jesus. He does not take the pain away but gives you the strength to cope with it all. Sometimes we only just make it, but we know the friendship of the greatest friend. With Jesus the only extra thing we receive is his love and support. Our task remains just as hard as it would be if we were not Christians. Jesus declared, "My yoke is easy." He looked at the cattle yokes he had made as a carpenter and used these to explain how he would help us. From this we can be sure that the load will still be heavy but there is a means of bearing it in his love.

For many their greatest burden is bearing the death of someone. My answer for them is that they may confidently seek out Jesus and find a way of carrying very heavy loads. The late great Pat Seed, who raised much money and worked selflessly in the cause of cancer support, once repeated something a nun had told her - "God never gives you a cross too heavy to carry." I find this to be true and I believe it to have been a privilege to see my lovely friend and mother-in-law slip away at the end of her loving life.

This has been a very personal account and I hope that you can find something helpful within it.